Monday, April 4, 2011

Day 7 of 29: Pardon the Interruption

I was traveling Day 4-6 and had all plans of coming back on Sunday and simply filling in the gap. Well on Day 6, by 6:30am I was in tears reading the words Scotty wrote as he prepared for Lubabat's transition to eternal peace. I excused myself from those around me at that early hour, because I am a person of action and needed to process my helplessness alone. By 10am, I was filtering through my Facebook status updates and saw update after update that said "RIP Lubabat". I immediately got angry, because that's how I am wired. I said to myself "Scotty didn't say she passed. He said he was preparing! She is still with us." But then I kept scrolling and I saw the update from Scotty. I am a very self-reflective person. I know myself well. The good and the bad. The truth is, I only deal well with expressing two emotions: Love and Anger. I don't know how to process or express everything else in between. I don't know how, in this case,  to express fear, disappointment, grief, surprise, or sadness. With those foreign emotions, I either deny their existence or I transform them into the only two emotions I am comfortable with: love and anger.  I know that our sweet Lubabat would not endorse me being angry and would not want any thoughts, feelings or emotions regarding her life to be wrapped up in angry. I know this, but I am not there yet. I am working to change my internal pain over the loss of my inspiring friend to one of love. When I get there, I shall return. Wish me luck. Till then, walk good and smile.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, Caz. I appreciate you sharing yourself with us.